Hi HB,
I’m sorry if I seem withdrawn the past few days but I’m just tired and
stressed. I love you very very much. I really have to communicate my
thoughts to you and I’m choosing email as conversations are overly fluid
where thoughts are easily misinterpreted.
The next few paragraphs are critical of you but I hope that you won’t take
offense. If you do you have my sincere regrets but I felt the sentiments
needed to be expressed and I already regret the clumsiness of the
expression. I’m not perfect and definitely sensitive. I believe the latter
is a virtue. Also, I do forgive but I’ve never been able to forget.
As you know, I really don’t like you snapping at me about anything,
especially related to eating. While, my mother did this for a while in 1994
she hasn’t really done it since and it was mostly related to not being able
to breathe at all through my nose, which was embarassing for me.
Nobody before or since has made the comments that you have. I asked a few
of them for their honest opinion during the first few months of our
relationship and most said that I was an “enthusiastic eater” at worst and
they’d be highly insulted if their partner behaved in the way you have.
Actions such as moving to another chair or leaving the room would have
signalled the death knells of a relationship. My counsellor was appalled at
what she described as socially unacceptable behavior. During the early
months before the “eating improvement” you describe I felt acutely
embarassed eating around you. Every meal was an ordeal and I worried what
would happen if we met my parents for dinner. This was unfair as I started
to develop a complex based around eating. This is something that your mother
did to you in a more brutal but no less strident way. My gut instinct, pun
excused, was not to accept this but I capitulated. I remember the time you
stayed in my house because we wanted to give Claire and Ken some space. I’d
made a big effort to cook you breakfast and to be quiet so you could work on
your paintings. I was extremely upset when you moved to another couch when I
started eating popcorn. When we discussed it later you made a hurtful remark
about “having enough to deal with” and said “why do I love you?” I was
silent but inside I was absolutely seething and devastated. I was trying my
best and instead of it being acknowledged, my hurt at your behavior was
deemed inconvenient. This was extremely selfish on your part. This wasn’t
the only time you hurt me with your comments or actions.
I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad about yourself. I’m making you
aware of my perspective so we can avoid causing each other hurt in the
future. Annoying or irritating traits in either of us is one thing, hurt is
much more serious.
In the first 2-3 months you were highly insulting about my eating habits,
which to my knowledge and based on conversations with my friends haven’t
changed that much over the past few years. You described it as “snapping”
yesterday and seemed at a loss to understand how I could continue to be
affected by your behavior for over an hour. Try to empathise here. Like most
people I don’t like my loved one to display repulsion at any activities I
engage in, eating included. It’s not a wonderful experience and makes you
appear very pushy and high-minded. Not appealing characteristics in anyone.
I love you very much with all my heart and soul and try my best to make you
happy. As you do me. You know I spend a huge amount of my time doing things
to help you. I was upset this morning when you made the comments about the
dishes. It sounded like a swipe. I apologise for not doing them earlier but
it wasn’t deliberate, I just forgot and was very busy and anxious about
other things. Nevertheless I should have been more considerate but last
night, I was watching a television programme with you and from your comments
you didn’t want me to leave the room. Try to empathise here. I walk
downstairs, having just gotten up out of bed, to give my loved one a hug and
a kiss. I have stomach cramps and I have a very sore nose which doesn’t look
too great. I appreciate that you don’t make a big deal out of these things
but they don’t just arise because I “was eating a lot of junk”. It’s not my
fault hun. So when I get down to the kitchen I’m greeted with a playful but
definitely cutting comment about me not cleaning up. I’m not happy about it
so I clam up and feel distant. However, I don’t want you to think there’s
anything wrong as I don’t want to upset you before you head off to college
so I try to behave like everything’s normal.
Honey, you are a wonderful person but being aware of your own faults doesn’t
automatically excuse them. From what you’ve told me and my personal
experiences you are a loving, caring and very special person who has so much
to give to everyone around you. You’re a loving girlfriend who’s thoughtful
and provides me with solace in stressful times. You’re also extremely clever
and your use of language is often inspiring and always entertaining. On the
negative side IMHO you’re high-minded, overly competitive, obsessive and
often dismissive. I believe you’re insecure about your abilities and
sometimes ostentatiously display your intelligence to others to assert your
authority. I know this is appallingly blunt but I’ve experienced it at first
hand. I sometimes do this; less so now than in the past as it made me very
unpopular. I KNOW you just want people’s respect honey. I understand that.
Believe it or not, you have their awe.
One thing I’d like you to learn is how to apologise. Not when you think
you’re wrong but when it’s clear that others genuinely believe you should.
An apology is an acknowledgement of regret at a fault or causing offense. If
I or anybody else believes an apology is required from you then that means
that an offense has been caused. Valuing that person involves acknowledging
that you didn’t mean to cause offense. It’s as simple as that. To my mind,
nobody worth a damn will ever use an apology against you so you have nothing
to fear from ever issuing one. The real difficuly for me here is that I
can’t seem to criticise something you do, even if it’s hurtful to me,
without you becoming very defensive and questioning whether I love you. I
know you’re a product of your conditioning but I’m not your mother, don,
peter, graham, whoever so it’s not a legitimate excuse. I’m me; an end, not
a means.
Honey, I love you with all my heart and I genuinely believe we can live
together happily for the rest of our lives. Bygones will be left so.
Love you always,
…shane XXXXXXX