Hi Honey,
There’s a few things I’d like to say and I always favoured the written word.
The most important thing is that I love you, everything else is an adjunct to
that. I’m so sorry that I shouted at you this morning. I sincerely regret it.
Last night you said something to me that, to my ears, sounded very harsh. Also,
it was said at a delicate time. I understand that you didn’t mean to hurt me
but in all honest your comment about imagining I was someone else during sex
had all the emotional impact of me saying that I pretend you’re a 21 year old
during sex. You are far too sensitive about your own insecurities (many of
these appearance related) to cope with a comment like that well. Be fair to
me.
I cannot believe you when you say that you don’t understand the remark caused
hurt. You have a tendency to assume a moral high ground where none is needed.
I’ve never refused an apology from someone I care about so all you had to do
was say you were sorry. For whatever reason you find apologies very hard to do.
From my perspective this is frustrating as I dont’ ask for many apologies and I
try not to offend you at all.
I naturally enough wondered why you had to imagine multiple partners as, for me,
you’re all I need. I was entitled to wonder why I wasn’t enough? I never said I
didn’t have sexual fantasies but I don’t have fantasies about other people
during sex. I was hurt by your remark as it seemed casual and while I fully
understand that you didn’t mean to hurt me, you did.
I’ve tried to say this before but if I’m hurt by something you say, I’m entitled
to say it. You often react dismissively to any kind of emotional hurt on my part
which is unfair. It’s not a sign of emotional immaturity on my part.
Honey, I realise that you were trying to breach a difficult topic with me but I
would prefer if you just came straight out and said some of these things as,
for me,that was not the right time. I was left thinking that every time I make
love to you, you for some reason need to imagine someone else. This isn’t
normal so please don’t insult me by pretending that it is. It’s OK, I
understand that you’ve had a tough time and you’ve developed defences to match.
Some of these include the emotional shutdown that’s very difficult for me to
deal with. There is no high moral ground to be achieved by refusing to
communicate at all. I don’t think you’re sick. I believe that you have
deep-seated insecurities and defences that are mostly due to your parents. I’m
insecure too, which isn’t exactly a news flash. I have tried subtley to get you
to continue going to your therapist as I genuinely believe it could do you a lot
of good. Please don’t shoot the messenger here but you are not easy to deal with
at times and you’re often not aware of your own complexities. e.g. It isn’t
normal not to be able to cry. It’s difficult to take any comments about me
being over-sensitive seriously when I’m well aware that your emotional defences
are large and looming. I also can’t be your therapist as you’re unwilling to
expose yourself entirely to me, fearing dissaproval. I love you and couldn’t be
neutral if I tried.
The sad thing for me about this morning is that I love you dearly. I love you
more now than when I first met you as I realise how much you’ve had to overcome
in your life. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I went to the beach this
morning to get some air and I just sat there crying. I wish I had all the
answers but I don’t. All I know is that you’re my world.
love you always,
…shane XXX